It was just you and I.
Somewhere, for all of us, our history begins with a quiet, tired nighttime mama. It’s a step into sentimental imaginings to conjure the image of my own teenage mother. Her body still so firm and strong with eyes bright and unlined. Her cotton nightie was surely too large after she gave birth and in my mind, it falls from one slight shoulder.
I can see her and although in my case I had a decade on her, I certainly remember being her. The faintly medicinal smell of the bedclothes, sore, swollen, beaten up bad by this snoozing beauty before me. A strange combination of enormous certainty and knee-knocking terror. An empty vessel, in my hands.
The first night you spend with your new baby delivers an enchanting paradox of perfection over promises. A forever tug of war over who you are over who you aspire to be. Never before was I so keenly aware of my shortcomings and so desperately inspired to somehow shed the shit from my wings…..where ever they might be?
This life begins with the Mama. All of what ultimately is, in you and I begins with one ordinary act of extraordinary grace. Whether she is good or bad or somewhere in between, her gift is delivering your soul into your little body. From hers to yours.
What happens from there can get a little hairy- we are human after all. We make mistakes, we try too hard or not enough. We carry our own grief and pain and sadness. Perhaps dishing it out like we might dole out dinner to the tiny ones we love. We might serve up a little helping of our own history.
To heal the wounds of our mama relationship is a powerful act of love. To recall with gentle understanding and forgive with an open heart,can rewrite all of our beginnings. Even if She is difficult, damaging and hard, she is yours. And once upon a time she was all alone, in the dark, with a small you. Scared she might not be enough, and perhaps she wasn’t, but maybe she just couldn’t find her way. Maybe she inspired you to do things differently (and you will).
Because of an extraordinary act of grace. All of this life begins with our mama. And taking the opportunity to heal the beginning of our life, blesses the rest of our life with love.
NAMASTE- the divine in me sees the divine in you. Today is international women’s day and I invite you to see the divinity in your mother, sisters, friends. I wish for healing for all children and their mamas.