The pull of melancholy has often added some tension to my days. That strange trickster that takes your present joy and gives it the ache of all that might be lost.
It happened this morning and I saw it's wile machination, I saw it and I told it so quite squarely.
"I see you."
I was sitting with my children having breakfast when to my surprise they unexpectedly broke into Happy by Pharrell Williams. All three of them, laughing and singing into their cereal, dancing in their seats. I was overcome with a really good hearty serve of gratitude for this moment. I was crazy pre-coffee happy and then.... this odd insidious sadness-
One day this will end.
One day my children will be grown and they won't sing around my breakfast table. They will be old and I'll be even older and this life won't be the same ever again. The sadness seemed to just swallow my joy like a piece of toast, until I saw it.
I see you Melancholy.
I tried really hard not fall into lament, to pull back from that feeling of loss. I took back my happiness and willed it to be bigger and stronger. I let it fill up the room and have it's crazy impromptu performance moment. I told myself to have a good hard look at what's in front of me. Noah, with his wild hair and imaginary drum kit. Charlotte giggling so hard, she sings like nobody's listening. Isaac with that face that changed my days.
Be here now.
It will all end, someday. But now, I am here, surrounded by this mad bunch of beautiful people. I am lucky, but the greatest gift I have is that see my good fortune. I have learnt to take the time to notice and I have learnt to spot any threat to it's continuation. I'm not about to let myself just imagine bad stuff.
Yes one day the wolf may arrive at my door, it might be tragic and sad. Life sometimes is. Until then I'm with Pharrell- I'm a room without a roof!